Category: Beauty/Self-care

In 17 days (God willing) I will be celebrating my 38th birthday and as of late, I have been doing some introspection, which is something we should all do daily, I think. Anyway, so I have been really down as of late thinking about where I am in life (not where I thought I would be) and how I can change something to get closer to living my best life or my ideal version of my best life.

The more I think, the more depressed I get, which leads to less talking and more physical isolation, which I do in grand style (staying home in my room with the shades drawn). Dealing with depression is not what I thought I’d be dealing with ever in life or better yet, I thought perhaps I would be able to deal with it a lot better than I seem to be doing.

Now there are people out there who have no frame of reference to what I am talking about; there are actually people who are close to me who have no clue what it is like to deal with depression or chronic pain which can be a major problem because they tend to criticize or think that people who suffer from these illiness are lazy or making it up, etc. If they only knew. Who the hell wants to be depressed and in pain ALL THE TIME!!!

I have been dealing with diagnosed depression for over 8 or more years. Diagnosed meaning, I have spoken with my doctor and am taking medication (yeah!!!). However, I think I have been dealing with depression in some form or another since I was a child, as my childhood was not the worst, but it definitely was not the easiest. However, it definitely made me who I am today; good, bad and flawed. Nonetheless, I think I realized that I was suffering from some form of depression after I had my first child in 2001 and it continued to spiral. Not wanting to look weak and such (common mentality, especially in the Black community), I dealt with it, I took care of my kid, but I stayed isolated to my home, outside of grocery shopping and such, I was home in my bubble. And that cycle has continue like that until present, 2 kids and 18 years later, several surgeries and chronic pain.

Now, like I mentioned before, I am currently on medication and have been for like 8 or more years, but before that, I started painting, which was fun and allowed me to express myself. I started this blog which was and still is an amazing outlet, but still I suffered. I tried getting involved in church, which had it’s own set of problems and impact on my mental health. I have tried and still periodically go to the gym which helped, but with the chronic pain, it makes that activity extremely difficult. Even with medications and adding other forms of outlets and such I still suffer with depression and isolation and such and I realized that this is a lifelong battle.

During this stretch of time my weight has bounced up and down and I am currently at my heaviest I have ever been, which attributes to some of my chronic pain. A lot of my chronic pain is just darn genetics and I have to deal with it. I have had 2 rotary cuff surgeries in the past 3 years and have been dealing with degenerative arthritis in my lower spine/back for 4 or more years, plus a host of other issues, which needless to say contributes greatly to my depression. To suffer from chronic pain; to have to go to the Doc all the time; to take a lot of meds which also affects one’s moods; to not being able to get out of bed someday’s or to barely be able to get through some days without crying and feeling like a failure is damn depressing. I do not wish that on anyone.

But still, I live on… I do the best that I can each day, and I am trying to be ok with not being okay sometimes (most times). Life is not easy and I/we do not have to have it all together every moment of every day. We all have different cards we are dealt; one person’s issues will not look like another’s issues and struggles, but that does not make their pain or their feelings any less valid.

At almost 38 years old, I had imagine myself being a successful restaurant owner and chef, a seasoned world traveler, living in my dream home, debt free, kids that are well adjusted, perfect marriage, etc. The reality is that I barely work outside my home these days because of pain, but I enjoy personal chef life to my little tribe of humans and sharing that with you all on my blog and Youtube and Instagram channels. I am not a seasoned world traveler, but I have seen some of the world and I have traveled the world in food exploration. I have a home, I am not debt free, but I am making it; I have 2 awesome daughters that I think are pretty well adjust to this crazy world we live in. And I do not have a perfect marriage, but I do have a life partner who has been sticking by me so far! So all that said, I may not be where I had imagined I’d be at 38, but I sure am Blessed to be where I am.

I live my life one minute at a time to tell you the truth; one minute I am fine, the next I might be in extreme pain. Daily, I am learning to appreciate my aches and pains and my black and grey moods because they are who I am. I make no excuses or apologies to those who do not understand or have a frame of reference to my struggles; I say Thank God my pain is not your pain (and probably vise-versa).

This is my life and I am Blessed!!!